tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-62150192024-03-07T22:12:03.214-05:00halfacanuckDisclaimer: The opinions expressed on this site do not necessarily reflect my actual opinions.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger126125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6215019.post-1103657188187063952004-12-21T14:26:00.000-05:002004-12-21T14:26:28.186-05:00Google Suggest dissected<p><a href="http://blog.halfacanuck.com/archives/2004/12/google_suggest.tt">Here</a>.</p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6215019.post-1103657162612444892004-12-21T14:25:00.001-05:002004-12-21T14:26:02.613-05:00Okay, this must be a joke<p><a href="http://blog.halfacanuck.com/archives/2004/12/okay_this_must.tt">Here</a>.</p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6215019.post-1103657126878528492004-12-21T14:25:00.000-05:002004-12-21T14:25:26.876-05:00Why I love bash<p><a href="http://blog.halfacanuck.com/archives/2004/12/why_i_love_bash.tt">Here</a>.</p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6215019.post-1103657102545429362004-12-21T14:24:00.001-05:002004-12-21T14:25:02.546-05:00Vote for me and get fucked<p><a href="http://blog.halfacanuck.com/archives/2004/12/vote_for_me_and.tt">Here</a>.</p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6215019.post-1103657070387340122004-12-21T14:24:00.000-05:002004-12-21T14:24:30.386-05:00No more comment spam?<p><a href="http://blog.halfacanuck.com/archives/2004/12/no_more_comment.tt">Here</a>.</p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6215019.post-1103657036604813832004-12-21T14:23:00.000-05:002004-12-21T14:23:56.603-05:00My first comment spam attack<p><a href="http://blog.halfacanuck.com/archives/2004/12/my_first_commen.tt">Here</a>.</p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6215019.post-1103171383171792882004-12-15T23:29:00.000-05:002004-12-15T23:29:43.173-05:00Ah, Christmas concerts<p><a href="http://blog.halfacanuck.com/archives/2004/12/ah_christmas_co.tt">Here</a>, at my new blog.</p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6215019.post-1103058148956803122004-12-14T16:02:00.000-05:002004-12-14T16:02:28.956-05:00Using MT with Apache::Filter<p><a href="http://blog.halfacanuck.com/archives/2004/12/using_mt_with_a.tt">Here</a>.</p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6215019.post-1103047371043163122004-12-14T13:02:00.000-05:002004-12-14T13:02:51.043-05:00I hate Christmas<p><a href="http://blog.halfacanuck.com/archives/2004/12/i_hate_christma.tt">Here</a>.</p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6215019.post-1103040422199202462004-12-14T11:06:00.000-05:002004-12-14T11:21:07.823-05:00How this blog works<p><a href="http://blog.halfacanuck.com/archives/2004/12/how_this_blog_w.tt">Here</a>.</p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6215019.post-1103040380149049642004-12-14T11:05:00.000-05:002004-12-14T11:06:20.150-05:00An unprecedented view into my nerdiness<p><a href="http://blog.halfacanuck.com/archives/2004/12/an_unprecendent.tt">Here</a></p>.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6215019.post-1102925008735210712004-12-13T03:03:00.000-05:002004-12-13T03:03:28.736-05:00But who's to blAIM?<p><a href="http://blog.halfacanuck.com/archives/2004/12/but_whos_to_bl.php">Here</a>.</p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6215019.post-1102922559304791552004-12-13T02:20:00.000-05:002004-12-13T02:22:39.306-05:00What's your number?<p>My blog has moved! Please update your bookmarks/links/feeds to <a href="http://blog.halfacanuck.com/">blog.halfacanuck.com</a>. You can find this post <a href="http://blog.halfacanuck.com/archives/2004/12/whats_your_num.php">here</a>.</p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6215019.post-1102691516070104352004-12-10T10:11:00.000-05:002004-12-10T10:11:56.070-05:00Dog-sledding<p><a href="http://blog.halfacanuck.com/archives/2004/12/dogsledding.php">Here</a>.</p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6215019.post-1102383147728432152004-12-06T20:04:00.000-05:002004-12-07T03:20:09.070-05:00Bloglines<p>So I just rediscovered <a href="http://www.bloglines.com/">Bloglines</a>. I say "rediscovered" because I've been aware of it for a while, but didn't really grasp how cool it is until I checked it out again this afternoon (or, possibly, the really nifty stuff has been added since I last looked).</p>
<p>Bloglines is an online <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Web_syndication">web syndication</a> (or "feed") browser. What this means, essentially, is that certain sites (blogs in particular, but also some news services etc.) allow their content to be accessed and republished by outside parties via special interfaces called RSS and Atom. In other words, when you set up an account (for free) on Bloglines you tell it what sites you like to read every day and, if that site has an RSS or Atom feed, Bloglines will trot off and grab the content from that site and display it to you within the Bloglines site itself.</p>
<p>Why is this useful, or even any different from visiting the web site itself? Well, the difference is that Bloglines has a little sidebar with a list of all the sites you've subscribed to and -- <em>here's</em> where it gets cool -- it knows whether the site has been updated since you last visited it and, if so, how many new posts (or news stories, or other pieces of content) there are. Thus instead of going through a dozen bookmarks to check if any of them have anything new to read, you simply go to your Bloglines page and can see at a glance if there's been an update. Think of it as a bit like email, only with web sites.</p>
<p>If that's all there was to it I'd not be particularly excited about it (yes, I'm excited about it. Snide comments welcome). That's how RSS and Atom work, and I've been using a similar standalone program called <a href="http://ranchero.com/netnewswire/">NetNewsWire Lite</a> to read feeds for ages. What makes Bloglines so damn cool is that unlike NetNewsWire Lite it's able to read not just RSS and Atom feeds but also pages from <a href="http://www.xanga.com/">Xanga</a>, <a href="http://www.livejournal.com/">LiveJournal</a>, the new <a href="http://groups-beta.google.com/">Google Groups 2</a> service, <a href="http://groups.yahoo.com/">Yahoo! Groups</a>, <a href="http://www.topix.net/">Topix.net</a> and can even pretend that an email mailing list is a feed too, showing it along with the "real" feeds in the sidebar.</p>
<p>This means that I can check every single site I read on a regular basis, from Reuters headlines to a bunch of blogs (including, finally, Xanga) in one place and without having to check each manually to see if there's anything new, saving me vital seconds every day. If that doesn't deserve a <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/w00t">w00t</a> I don't know what does.</p>
<p>Go out and sign up for <a href="http://www.bloglines.com/">Bloglines</a> immediately, and then of course <a href="http://www.bloglines.com/sub/http://halfacanuck.blogspot.com/atom.xml">add my blog</a> to your subscriptions. Because it's what all the cool people do.</p>
<p>Yes, I'm a nerd.</p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6215019.post-1102138764877536352004-12-04T01:39:00.000-05:002004-12-04T11:48:34.093-05:00The case of the missing beef<p>My wife and I went grocery shopping today and picked up a three-pound pack of ground beef, since we seem to get through quite a lot of it. This isn't in itself unusual, nor was the manner in which we collapsed spent into chairs whilst the various children who congregate in our house, some of whom are alleged to be ours, unpacked the groceries. When the smallest child (who shall remain nameless, for what follows is partly her fault, and there's nothing cowardly about me placing partial blame on a seven-year-old) presented me with the ground beef and asked what should be done with it, I replied that she should put it on the island and I would deal with it.</p>
<p>The plan was to unwrap the beef, separate it into three one-pound portions, wrap them, and put them in the freezer. Thus I would avoid the normal disaster that unfolds when it comes time to use the stuff, namely me trying to hack apart a frozen mass of beef with a ludicrously large knife, growing more and more frenzied by the second, until I either a) succeed in breaking off a chunk or b) stab myself through the hand.</p>
<p>At this point I too must accept partial responsibility for the ensuing events. Had I gone to work immediately and parceled the meat up there and then, none of this would've happened (though I still insist that Jeremy -- not her real name -- is mostly to blame). I didn't, in fact, do that, astonishing as it may sound to those who know me. What I did do was decide to nip onto the Internet for a few minutes first, possibly have a smoke, that kind of thing. Within 13.8 seconds of opening my laptop lid I had of course forgotten all about the beef, and four hours later went to put a pizza in the oven for supper.</p>
<p>I strolled to the freezer and pulled out the pizza, swiveled jauntily on my heel and made my way over to the stove, and, in the corner of my eye, saw the beef still on the island. I pulled open the oven, slid the pizza in... and realized that something about the beef wasn't quite right, but I couldn't place it. I closed the oven and gave my full attention to the meat, and noticed immediately (for nothing escapes my profound observational skills) that someone, or some<em>thing</em>, had been gnawing at it.</p>
<p>When I say gnawing, I actually mean taking really quite large bites out of it. And by <em>that</em> I mean taking really quite large bites through the plastic wrap and, in parts, through the polystyrene base, but only on the side nearest the edge of the island. Something like an inch and a half of meat was gone from one entire side, I noted meticulously.</p>
<p>Naturally my first thought was that my wife was the culprit, because boy, does she ever love her steak tartare. But in this case I knew it could not be so, since she'd left for work long before. I then turned my focus onto the children. It is widely known that children are barely above the level of the beast, and ours in particular do, it must be said, occasionally remind one of living in the same house as a small herd of warthogs. Am I suggesting one of them had stooped so low as to eat raw ground beef directly from the packaging, and also eat the packaging, while the others kept lookout and whispered frantic encouragement? Yes. Yes I am.</p>
<p>Upon probing them, however, I was greeted with such expressions of wide-eyed innocence that even I, a heartless cynic, momentarily forget the savagery of their true nature and concluded they were not the perpetrators of the horrific crime scene upon which I had stumbled. It seemed as if my investigation had come to a dead-end. I turned back to the kitchen, my face a picture of despondency.</p>
<p>But wait! I stopped dead in my tracks. Could it be that the dog, whom I shall call Winston (for that is his name), was looking at me somewhat guiltily? I met his gaze. Our eyes narrowed and locked. Sweat formed on our brows. He tensed. I raised a single eyebrow. For untold seconds we stared unblinking at each other, like two titans meeting over a chess board, or a pair of gunslingers in a town of insufficient capaciousness. The mournful wind bounced a tumbleweed between us, but neither did it distract. Like Kennedy and Khrushchev were we in this Herculean clash of wills. And then... And then he crumbled, averting his eyes with a tiny submissive whimper, the whimper heard around the world. I had broken him! Yes. Yes, now it was all so clear! It wasn't my <em>wife</em> who had munched surreptitiously on the tasty protein carelessly set aside in the kitchen. It wasn't <em>any</em> of the various children, sunk in depravity as they undeniably are. It was <em>him</em> all along!</p>
<p>But the pulse of glory victorious was soon replaced with bitter self-recrimination. What kind of a detective, what kind of a <em>man</em>, would not have turned his attention to Winston before any other? Why did I not immediately deduce the link between the missing beef and this constantly hungry, infamously disobedient hound? Why did I not recall at once his daring late-night forays into the garbage bag, his apparently insatiable lust for fresh meat? Suddenly it all clicked. What a fool I was!</p>
<p>I shook myself out of it. Yes, perhaps I should've made the connection sooner, but I had made it, and that was the important thing. But as logical as that seemed, as true as it may have been, yet my anger increased with every step back to the canine-caused carnage. How could I have been so stupid? Am I really that short-sighted? I ripped the remains of the plastic wrap from the meat and threw it approximately in the direction of the garbage bag. Winston, who has apparently been secretly trained since birth to show up the very nanosecond even the possibility of food is considered, unwisely decided then was a good moment to approach me for scraps.</p>
<p>Well, that was the final straw. A tiny but vitally important blood vessel burst deep inside my brain and I flew into apoplexy. Plunging my fingers into the fleshy pulp of beef slightly back from the point to which it had been violated I tore off the contaminated strands and, shaking with blind rage, hurled the dripping mass wildly at the dog's head. I did it again and again and again. Very soon I'd stripped off another half-inch from the edge of the meat, all of which I flung furiously at Winston, until there was no more bad meat to remove. I took a deep breath.</p>
<p>It was then it occurred to me that tossing handfuls of succulent grade A beef at a permanently famished carnivorous animal was not perhaps the most heinous of punishments I could possibly devise. I looked at the dog. He was wolfing down the last remaining morsels, near-orgasmic joy afire in his eyes. I sighed and tried half-heartedly to conjure up more fitting penalties, but by then my anger was abating. The beef-throwing had soothed me and reason was resuming its seat. I divvied up what was left of the godforsaken stuff and encased it in GLAD Wrap, then deposited the now significantly-less-than-one-pound chunks in the freezer.</p>
<p>So what is the moral of this story? It's tempting to say "procrastination can only lead to extra work," but that's too easy an answer. I believe there are really two lessons here: first, don't ever get a dog. Actually, that's it. Just don't get a dog. Or, if you do get a dog, fit extensions to the legs of your kitchen island. Or remove all his teeth. Or turn vegetarian. And never trust Jeremy with meat. But it's much simpler just to not get a dog, or, if you already have one, set it free. It'll be happier that way. And even if it isn't (say, if it's immediately and fatally run over by a truck), <em>you'll</em> be happier. Trust me.</p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6215019.post-1101941857973274362004-12-01T17:39:00.000-05:002004-12-01T20:14:32.950-05:00Updatage<p>My life is, as you know, a helterskelter whirlwind of frantic activity. One day it might be sitting for several hours at a time staring blankly into space; another day it might be descaling the kettle (though, to be fair, I've not actually done that in quite some time, because we have no C.L.R. and vinegar isn't quite up to the task of removing the quarter-inch-thick layer of limescale clinging tenaciously to the element).</p>
<p>Following are the most interesting things to happen in my life recently:</p>
<ul>
<li>I got a commission to write a story for <a href="http://www.umm.ca/index2.php">Urban Male Magazine</a>, Canada's answer to Maxim. The pay isn't great (which is to say really, really quite bad) but it's planned to be a double-page spread so it'll look good in my portfolio.</li>
<li>I called the travel editor of the <a href="http://www.nationalpost.com/">National Post</a> to find out if she read the story I sent to her over a week ago, and it turns out she's been away and couldn't find the email. Greatly relieved. So I sent it again. Hopefully I'll hear back from her this time, along the lines of: "Dear Ross, You're the most fantastic writer the world has ever seen, bar none. I will pay you one half of one million dollars for this story."</li>
<li>I am still distressingly close to the beginning of <a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0674006135/qid=1101760323/sr=8-1/ref=pd_csp_1/104-2136624-5291932?v=glance&s=books&n=507846">The Structure of Evolutionary Theory</a>. The time I take to finish it might itself be measured on a geological scale.</li>
<li>I found a new(ish) browser that I'm very partial too. It's called <a href="http://www.mozilla.org/projects/camino/">Camino</a> and it's based around the same rendering engine as Firefox, but is much more lightweight. This means new windows open pretty much instantly instead of taking a couple of seconds like they did in Firefox, page loading is quicker, and I can once again boast that I use an obscure browser. Also, it's only for Macs. Suckers.</li>
</ul>
<p>As you can tell, the last few days have been unusually exciting. I realize this post strayed wildly into "uninteresting personal diary" territory, but I intend to make up for that with a scintillating post after I've made supper. Whirlwind, I tells ya.</p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6215019.post-1101777067788079132004-11-29T18:59:00.000-05:002004-11-29T22:24:24.256-05:00Blog the dead donkey<p><a href="http://www.darrenbarefoot.com/">Darren Barefoot</a>, a Canadian PR dude and blogger, <a href="http://www.darrenbarefoot.com/archives/001435.html">makes two interesting points</a> about personal, diary-style blogs.</p>
<p>The first is that everyone who blogs wants readers. This might seem like it's not even worth saying, but I believe it is, because it speaks to a more general need to be observed. Very few people go through life doing nothing at all to attract the attention of our fellow creatures. Often we dress in a way designed to elicit attention: obviously the youthful are more prone to using appearance to draw attention to themselves (witness <a href="http://www.lifeishell.de/oldcontent/goths2.jpg">goths</a> and <a href="http://www.geog.uni-hannover.de/wigeo/intersem/social/punks.jpg">punks</a> and <a href="http://www.kingsofar.com/archives/TheEscapeEngine.jpg">emos</a>), but others do it too. Does that guy's business suit need to be <em>that</em> sharp? Do those earrings have to be <em>that</em> eye-catching, or, indeed, even worn at all? Body decorations such as tattoos are designed solely to be seen, and arguably the use of makeup fulfills the same role (especially, of course, amongst <a href="http://boardingschools.hobsons.com/usrimages/izzard05.jpg">men</a>). We seem to have some innate desire to have an audience, from obvious examples like professional performers (actors, musicians, etc.) and artists to not-so-obvious examples like those who attempt suicide in a way guaranteed to fail.</p>
<p>It is perhaps an attempt to gain validation. We want to hear that we are entertaining, or clever, that we will be missed when we're gone, that we're worthy of being alive. But moreso perhaps it is a way to feel connected with society, the superorganism of which we all form a part. In <a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0871136643/qid=1101776414/sr=8-1/ref=pd_ka_1/104-2136624-5291932?v=glance&s=books&n=507846"><i>The Lucifer Principle</i></a> Howard Bloom suggests that an overwhelming feeling of separation from the superorganism -- loneliness, basically -- is far more dangerous than we usually conceive it to be, and can even be fatal, as in the case when a previously healthy person dies shortly after their partner.</p>
<p>In this respect blogging is no different. It's a way to feel connected, a contributing part of society. It is a form of creativity, and there's something soulless and unsatisfying about a creation without an audience. An online journal, by definition, seeks readers. And, as Darren says, no blogger can claim not to want to be read. (I suppose that somewhere there must exist a blog not meant to be read, perhaps as a postmodern artistic statement, but that is attention-seeking in itself.)</p>
<p>But, to address Darren's second point, does this mean that a blogger must be interesting? His post, entitled <i>I May Not Want to Read About Your Cat</i>, contains a list of suggestions for those running personal blogs, ranging from "If you're going to write about the ordinary day-to-day events of your life, write extraordinarily, with humour and insight and passion" to "Don't post unless you've got something compelling to talk about." He makes a valid argument, and I would agree with him if blogs were just another form of publishing. But they aren't. Blogs, unlike newspapers and magazines and non-literary novels, don't have to appeal to the lowest common denominator within a particular demographic.</p>
<p>This is "bottom-up journalism." It is arguably, because of ease of access and the facility to hyperlink, the mechanism most suited to forming a "public discourse" we've yet devised. There's a difference between wanting to be heard and wanting to be heard widely: I, as a writer, would prefer as large an audience as possible, mainly to stroke my ego, to feel my talents (for what they're worth) are appreciated. But someone writing about their cats in a non-extraordinary, humorless way almost certainly doesn't want what I want. I think those who maintain very personal blogs -- by which I mean closer to diaries than anything else -- gain more satisfaction from the creative process than from the observation of the end result, from feeling included in the great equalizer that is the blogosphere.</p>
<p>So do I agree with him or not? In a sense. I agree that bloggers want to be read: I think that is an axiom of this new way of communicating. I agree with all his suggestions for making a blog more readable, and should likely pay more attention to them myself. But I disagree with his assertion that blogs necessarily <em>should</em> obey those guidelines, that just because someone places their journal online means they want to attract as many readers as possible. Me? I want a million hits a minute (I am still some distance from reaching this goal, to employ a tiny hint of understatement). But for many, I feel, as long as someone somewhere is reading, that's enough.</p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6215019.post-1101760903820543192004-11-29T15:41:00.000-05:002004-11-29T15:52:33.226-05:00Evolution<p>I picked up a copy of <a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0892818840/qid=1101759313/sr=8-1/ref=pd_csp_1/104-2136624-5291932?v=glance&s=books&n=507846"><i>Shattering the Myths of Darwinism</i></a> by Richard Milton the other day. As those who know me well (or even in passing, probably) can attest I love a good argument, especially if one side seems utterly hopeless. So I'm naturally drawn to anti-Darwinian stuff like this and <a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0684834936/qid=1101759865/sr=8-1/ref=pd_csp_1/104-2136624-5291932?v=glance&s=books&n=507846"><i>Darwin's Black Box</i></a> by Michael Behe.</p>
<p>The book was deeply impacting, not so much because his arguments are compelling, but because it highlighted my ignorance of evolution beyond the most basic concepts. I know essentially nothing more than what I learned in school, and what I read in a few of <a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/search-handle-url/104-2136624-5291932?index=blended&field-keywords=richard%20dawkins">Richard Dawkins's</a> books a decade ago.</p>
<p>I was alarmed by my inability to contradict most of his points; indeed, I walked away almost convinced by it all. While I consider some of his points to be valid (such as that "survival of the fittest" is in fact a tautology, because when you get right down to it, from a linguistic point of view, what it really means is "the individuals that produce the most offspring... produce the most offspring") I can't help feeling that I should know much, much more about probably one of the most important topics of all, in any area of life.</p>
<p>To this end I just bought <a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0674006135/qid=1101760323/sr=8-1/ref=pd_csp_1/104-2136624-5291932?v=glance&s=books&n=507846"><i>The Structure of Evolutionary Theory</i></a> by Stephen Jay Gould. At just over 1,400 pages I reckon it should provide me with a pretty thorough treatment of the subject, if I ever manage to get through it all. At the very least I should emerge, blinking and pale, significantly more knowledgable about evolution than I am at the moment. On the plus side, too, is the fact that it was written by the guy who proved able to resist the comfort and safety of the academic mainstream and was able to break free of the restrictive dogma of Darwinism enough to propose significant modifications to the theory in order to explain the evidence, rather than explain <em>away</em> the evidence, of the fossil record (by which I mean <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Punctuated_equilibrium">punctuated equilibrium</a>).</p>
<p>So that's that. A quite possibly highly disingenuous book made me recognize a shameful inadequacy in my knowledge, and hopefully a dead biologist can help me fix that.</p>
<p>The is the end of my least interesting blog post ever.</p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6215019.post-1101235626325110002004-11-23T13:37:00.000-05:002004-11-23T15:41:56.890-05:00Couple of new blogrolls<p>I recently added <a href="http://www.canuckflack.com/">Colin McKay's blog</a> to my blogroll. Colin's the brother of a friend of mine, but stop right there! I know you're thinking "nepotism," you cynical bastards. In fact he was added on the basis of his writing and the "nutrition information" label acting as a table of contents, which I think is fantastic. So there.</p>
<p>Also please welcome <a href="http://queryletters.blogspot.com/">Query Letters I Love</a> to the fold, published by an anonymous Hollywood script reader (or something). It's a collection of the very worst suggestions for screenplays he receives. Too cool for words. Favorite submission:</p>
<blockquote><p id="last">The World has imploded on itself. Evil Robot plans an Empire built on the backs of remaining humanity.Can a man from the pass survive the hate of a savage woman and save humanity before the sands of time run out…?</p></blockquote>
<p>Answer: Not without the help of his trusty sidekick, Scrofula Boy.</p>
<p><strong>Update:</strong> He's an agent, not a script reader. And this is now my favorite submission:</p>
<blockquote><p id="last">It isn’t just the monkey that sets 'Laughing My Sphincter Off' apart from other cancer memoirs, it’s also my skewed sense of humor. The one-two-punch of the monkey’s low down physical commentary coupled with my friskiness of mind give the reader a unique look inside the soul of a person battling colorectal cancer</p></blockquote>
<p>Personally I think I'll wait for "Laughing My Sphincter Off 2: Remission to Uranus."</p>
<p>(Sorry.)</p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6215019.post-1101231976124568442004-11-23T12:34:00.000-05:002004-11-23T12:53:08.363-05:00Rather a shame<p><a href="http://abcnews.go.com/US/story?id=276466&page=1">Dan gets the push</a>. Big surprise. Favorite quote:</p>
<blockquote><p id="last">"Dan's 24 years at the 'CBS Evening News' is the longest run of any evening news anchor in history and is a singular achievement in broadcast journalism," Leslie Moonves, CBS chairman and co-president and co-chief operating officer of CBS parent Viacom said in a statement.</p></blockquote>
<p>In <em>history</em>? So he's the longest-serving anchor in the last 15 billion years, then? His was the most lengthy tenure of any news host since spacetime itself was created in the Big Bang, the physical laws of reality coalesced and the glorious fire of creation enabled fundamental particles to form? A gentle fingering of hyperbole from CBS, I feel, but goshdarnit are they proud of him or what?</p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6215019.post-1101226872728826642004-11-23T08:30:00.000-05:002004-11-23T11:22:23.050-05:00Killing an elephant<p>How do pygmies kill an elephant?</p>
<p>Sometimes they use spears and stab it repeatedly, delivering a final blow to the head. Elephants often die still standing, so to check it's actually dead one will touch his speartip to its eye. Other times they use poisoned darts and then track it for days until it finally succumbs. Still other times one will sneak up behind it, a spear or sharp blade in each hand, and with one of them slash across its Achilles tendon and ram the other into its comparatively soft belly. It's not unknown for the elephant to collapse backwards and crush the unfortunate hunter, but whatever happens it's not going anywhere.</p>
<p>Once the thing is dead the tail is cut off and taken to the village as proof, and as a sign the women should come to the site of the kill. The man who wielded the death stroke is given the best cuts of meat and the rest is divided evenly amongst the families. Then the pygmies pray over the animal to ask forgiveness from their god, because they believe what they did was wrong and that now they've killed one of god's creatures they won't receive eternal life. For the pygmies staying alive comes at an infinitely high price.</p>
<p>In 1862 <i>The Geologist</i> journal told of a human skeleton found 90 feet below the ground's surface in Macoupin County, Illinois, beneath a two-foot thick layer of unbroken slate. The earth in which the skeleton was found is estimated to be 300 million years old. In the early 70s, at a dig in Hueyatlaco, Mexico, American archaeologists discovered stone tools and weapons in a layer of earth estimated by geologists from the United States Geological Survey to be 300,000 years old. In the last century gold miners working Table Mountain in Toulumne County, California discovered human skeletons and artifacts in solid rock. The rock is believed to be about 50 million years old.</p>
<p>Within the rock-like structures that are stromatolites live bacteria -- cyanobacteria, or blue-green algae. A lot of cyanobacteria, three billion of them per square metre, working in cooperation to build their home. A stromatolite that is a metre-and-a-half high, like some of those in Hamelin Pool in Western Australia, may have taken two billion years to grow. Cyanobacteria use photosynthesis, extracting carbon dioxide from the water and, as a byproduct, releasing oxygen. A simply unimaginable quantity of cyanobacteria living three-and-a-half billion years ago very very slowly turned our atmosphere from oxygen-less to its present state, allowing animal life to exist. Cyanobacteria, and other types of algae, are considered a delicious snack for many forms of sea creatures, and now living stromatolites can be found only two places in the entire world. Cyanobacteria, in the most literal sense, created their own predators.</p>
<p>Humans, including pygmies, share about seventy percent of their genes with bacteria.</p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6215019.post-1101163941165737492004-11-22T15:25:00.000-05:002004-11-22T19:39:52.210-05:00Study: Ben Affleck's two facial expressions "natural"<p>BERKELEY, CA -- Researchers at the University of California in Berkeley reignited the age-old "nature or nurture" debate today by announcing the results of a year-long study into Ben Affleck's facial expressions.</p>
<p>The researchers claim the study, which will be published in a peer-reviewed journal within the next six months, proves that both Affleck's facial expressions -- "determined" and "confused" -- are the result of genetics rather than rearing.</p>
<p>
<span class="picbox">
<p style="width: 202px">
<img src="http://www.halfacanuck.com/blogger/affleck_montage.jpg" width="202" height="403" />
The two faces of Ben Affleck: top, determined, from <i>Daredevil</i>; middle, confused, from <i>Gigli</i>; bottom, determined <em>and</em> confused, also from <i>Gigli</i>
</p>
</span>
"Since [Affleck] first burst zit-like onto the scene with <i>Good Will Hunting</i> I've wondered what caused his astonishing lack of emotional range," said project lead Dr David Fisker. "Now, thanks to our hard work over the last year, I can rest easy. It's a good feeling."</p>
<p>Fisker explained that all available evidence indicates the 32-year-old actor has just two facial configurations, one expressing determination and the other expressing confusion.</p>
<p>"He can do a mix of both, too, and look determined yet confused or confused yet determined, but that doesn't really count," said Fisker.</p>
<p>After a frame-by-frame analysis of all of Affleck's movies to date the team presented their proposal to the Department of Health and Human Services, where it was determined sufficient evidence existed for the team to receive government funding.</p>
<p>With the financial backing in place the team began interviewing Affleck's friends and family to determine if his facial expressions off-screen were as staggeringly restricted as on.</p>
<p>Matt Damon, co-author with Affleck of <i>Good Will Hunting</i> and long-time "close acquaintance" of the emotionally limited actor, confirmed their hypothesis.</p>
<p>"It's true, yeah. He's like that all the time," said Damon. "It was great when we were writing [<i>Good Will</i>] <i>Hunting</i> though because if I needed, say, determined dialog I'd just give him a jar to open and I'd be inspired by his face."</p>
<p>The researchers then moved on to addressing their most important question: is Affleck's inability to adopt a facial arrangement other than determined or confused a result of his genes or his childhood?</p>
<p>"We really had no idea when we started," said Dr Peter Ferguson, the team's head anthropologist. "It could've gone either way. So naturally the first thing we did was visit with his parents in Cambridge [Massachusetts]."</p>
<p>The researchers soon discovered compelling evidence for the theory that Affleck's condition is genetic.</p>
<p>"It was obvious from the very moment we met [Affleck's parents]," said Ferguson. "We were startled to discover that Ben's father, Tim, only <em>ever</em> looks confused, and his mother, Chris, only <em>ever</em> looks determined."</p>
<p>Both elder Afflecks suffer from a medical condition known as <i>monoris</i> (literally, "single face") which is exceptionally rare in the United States.</p>
<p>Research in the 70s and 80s proved to most doctors' satisfaction that the condition is genetic, with a single sufferer having a 25% chance of passing it on to their children.</p>
<p>Ben Affleck, though, is believed to be the first child ever conceived by two <i>monoris</i> sufferers.</p>
<p>"His case is remarkable, to be sure," said Fisker. "It seems that when both parents carry the <i>monoris</i> gene it's possible that their offspring can inherit not just the disease itself but also a combination of his or her parents' only possible facial expressions."</p>
<p>This explains, according to the study, how the younger Affleck is capable of both determination <em>and</em> confusion, and also why the team didn't consider <i>monosis</i> as a possibility in the first place.</p>
<p>"I'm not... Er... Wait... What?" said the constantly befuddled Tim Affleck in a telephone interview yesterday.</p>
<p>"The... No... Hang on. It's like... Ummm... I don't... Sorry. I'll start again," he added.</p>
<p>Chris Affleck declined to comment by phone, instead opting to respond to <i>halfacanuck's</i> queries through her attorney, David Bauer.</p>
<p>"Chris is determined to see her son through this ordeal," said Bauer today. "She has absolutely no intention of becoming lackadaisical in that regard. She couldn't be more driven in her desire to see him succeed despite his condition. Chris is absolutely hell-bent on being there for Ben, and has been single-mindedly unfaltering in that goal since his affliction became apparent, at which point she swore a blood oath to be utterly firm that she be unwaveringly resolute and purposeful in her doggedly stubborn show-no-mercy take-no-prisoners no-holds-barred iron-clad support for her son. She's quite determined about it really."</p>
<p>But in their study the researchers conclude that further investigations into Ben Affleck's unique condition are necessary.</p>
<p>"We've only just begun to scratch the surface of his almost total lack of facial talent," said Fisker. "The work has just started for us."</p>
<p>When contacted by <i>halfacanuck</i> Affleck initially expressed confusion as to why his woefully inadequate front-of-head contortions were "even newsworthy," but then said he was "absolutely immovable in [his] steadfastness" not to let his condition affect his surprisingly successful career.</p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6215019.post-1101089971769467902004-11-21T21:18:00.000-05:002004-12-09T18:59:29.350-05:00Poetry<p>You say that poetry is just<br />
A bunch of people shouting, or<br />
The work of some attention whore,<br />
A feedback loop of limelight lust.<br />
But poets do not poems make:<br />
The <em>words</em> are what we're meant to hear,<br />
The meter, rhyme, the rhythm we're<br />
Rewarded with if we partake<br />
In listening, allowing each<br />
Soft syllable, divine diphthong<br />
Caress us like a Siren song.<br />
They climb aloft and out of reach<br />
Once they escape the sordid breath<br />
Of poets, rappers, all the fools<br />
Who utter them: these mass-less jewels<br />
Live far beyond their speaker's death.</p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6215019.post-1101071298474417492004-11-21T16:02:00.000-05:002004-11-21T16:19:03.600-05:00Halo...Scan...?<p>I just switched from the default Blogger comments to using <a href="http://www.haloscan.com/">HaloScan</a> for it instead. Suffice to say that you can now enter your name for the comment without having to sign up to Blogger, and you can put in links to your email and home page if you so desire, <em>and</em> I can edit your comments to make it look like you wrote something you didn't, possibly about negroes. It's a win-win.</p>
<p>Also, I get trackback links for no extra charge (above and beyond the $0 I already pay on a monthly basis for the comments facility). I'm still not 100% on what a trackback is, but apparently it lets people comment on my blog in their blog and let me know about it by "pinging" me. Or something. Maybe you can understand <a href="http://www.haloscan.com/faq/faq.php?category_id=3">this</a> better, my brain is slow and feeble.</p>
<p>Course, there is a downside. All the comments left via the old Blogger system are now inaccessible. Ah well, they all sucked anyway. So leave some goddamn comments. You have no excuse now. And none of that anonymous crap, either. Personal responsibility, people, personal responsibility.</p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0