Queer Eye for the Iraqi Guy

The Washington Post has obtained new prisoner abuse photos from inside Abu Ghraib prison. My favourite cutline reads: "A baton-wielding US soldier appears to be ordering a naked detainee covered in a brown substance to walk a straight line with his ankles handcuffed." What's the betting that "brown substance" isn't finest Lindt chocolate?

The biggest surprise in this whole sordid affair, though, is that no-one saw it coming. Pop quiz: Which group of people would make the best prison guards?

1. Prison guards
2. The cast of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy
3. Soldiers trained to be merciless killers

If you answered "Soldiers trained to be merciless killers," you're correct! Pour yourself a beer. Soldiers trained to be merciless killers are the ideal candidates to act as prison guards in a prison bursting at the seams with their sworn enemy. Prison guards have to be strict yet compassionate, keep the bad guys in line while at all times showing the utmost concern for their well-being. Developing these instincts is of course where the US Army concentrates most of its efforts during Becoming a Merciless Killer 101.

If you answered "Prison guards," I'm afraid your reasoning is significantly out of sync with that of the US military. They know as well as I do that merciless killers are, at heart, philosophers, that they're able to grasp the subtle nuances of global relationships, that they're a shining beacon of humanity. Expecting experienced prison guards to be more effective than soldiers at guarding prisoners simply highlights your lack of imagination. Do not pour yourself a beer. Unless you don't like beer, in which case you can pour youself two.

If you answered "The cast of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy," stop being a smart-ass. You know damn well there'd be just as many pictures of naked Iraqi men coming to the surface. Chances are, though, that the brown substance really would be finest Lindt chocolate.