My apologies

Yet another awesome page from Mil Millington, the ludicrously named creator of Things My Girlfriend and I Have Argued About. (If you've not read TMGAIHAA then you have no idea what "funny" really means.) This one is all about who should apologize for what, and you (yes, even you) are encouraged to contribute. Check it out.

In the same spirit, here are some apologies I'd like to see, in no particular order:

• Every employer who's turned down the chance to hire me should apologize for being criminally shortsighted. It's common knowledge that I am (and I say this with all due modesty) one of the most intelligent, erudite, urbane, sophisticated, thoughtful, mature, insightful, hilarious and attractive potential employees in all Christendom
• Anyone who uses the word "dandy" without irony
• Quentin Tarantino should apologize for being the most fantastically talented annoying twat in the world
• Anyone my age or younger who's already had a novel published or a screenplay bought
• Ben Affleck should apologize for all two of his facial expressions and for shattering what faith I had left in the American meritocratic system
• Drew Carey should apologize for being nowhere near funny or charismatic enough to justify two television shows and a vast personal fortune
• Whomever persuaded Mrs Wayans not to have multiple abortions
• Every editor of every fashion magazine should apologize, while having their genitals mercilessly flogged on live TV, for insisting anorexia is sexy
• Freddie Prinz Jr.
• Hollywood executives should apologize (and then be burned at the stake) for charging us good money to see a movie they refuse to allow critics to preview, because they know full well the movie is in fact a steaming pile of monkey shit
• Mosquitos should apologize for maliciously bringing me out in hives

Okay, I'm done. Whew! I feel better now. Why not try demanding some apologies of your own in a comment? It's very therapeutic.