EU countries vote US "most charitable nation"

By Ross Thomas

The United States was declared the winner of the Europe-wide first annual "Most Charitable Nation on Earth" competition yesterday.

The US won the multinational competition in a landslide, beating second-place Sweden by ten votes from the 30-member panel.

"We extend our hearty congratulations to the people of the United States," said the MCNE Committee spokesman Jacques Ferenti. "This kind of overwhelming result is indicative of the degree of respect for American altruism felt all around Europe."

The judges cited the 2000 election of President George W. Bush as a major factor in their decision.

"It's heartwarming to see that in America, that bastion of capitalistic selfishness, a special person can be elected president," said Hazmi Ahmed, a member of the awards committee.

The judges said that, in their opinion, the citizens of none of the other countries considered would allow a mentally deficient individual to become head of state.

"That just shows you what kind people Americans are," said Ferenti. "Mr Bush is clearly not really suitable for the job -- not really suitable for any job, if we're honest -- but they permit him to rise to the very top of their political system. It's touching."

The American public should be commended, read the MCNE press release, for its kind-hearted gesture in not only tolerating the election of a "patently intellectually subnormal human being," but actively encouraging it by voting for him in large numbers.

One of those Bush voters expressed delight that her altruism has finally been recognized.

"I thought it was sweet that a guy who's more or less on the same cerebral level as a wolverine still had ambitions for the most important job in the world," said Margaret Baxter, 49, of Tampa Bay, Fla. "That's really why I voted for him. You have to encourage people like that. Even retards should dream."

"Sorry, I mean differently able people," she added.

Al Gore, the Democratic presidential nominee who was defeated by Bush in a nail-biting 68-day-long race to the finish four years ago, said he is pleased to have played a small part in the American nation's receiving this honor.

"When I wrote the first draft of my final concession speech I included a part about it, which I subsequently removed," he said. "It went something like: 'While I strongly disagree with the court's decision, I accept it, and am pleased that a man who would lose a battle of wits with that guy from Rainman, a man who can barely dress himself, a man with the slightest grasp of the English language or, indeed, any concept more complex than sitting motionless for hours in a soft chair while singing gently to himself, finally overcame the shameful discrimination experienced by all such woefully imbecilic creatures and was able to assume control of the most powerful country on the planet.' Something like that."

President Bush was unable coherently to comment yesterday.