FAQ

Hello! Long time no speak. Here are some Frequently Asked Questions:

• Q. Where have you been?
  A. I've been organizing a trip to California, Utah, Nevada and Arizona to do stories for newspapers and magazines in an attempt to kickstart my freelance journalism career. Then I was away for the weekend. Yesterday and today I was writing a story about when my brother and I traveled through Europe together (his version, of dubious veracity, is here). Happy?
• Q. Not really.
  A. Is that a question?
• Q. No, and that's not an answer.
  A. Shut up.
• Q. Okay. So what stories are you going to be doing?
  A. That's confidential. However, I can tell you that one of them is a travel piece in which the National Post is interested. I'm writing it on spec for them, but it's better than nothing.
• Q. What does "on spec" mean?
  A. It means they haven't actually commissioned it, but they want me to write it for them and if it's good they'll buy it.
• Q. What does "commissioned" mean?
  A. It means they agree up front to buy the story when it's completed, whether it's any good or not. Generally an editor won't commission a piece from someone they don't already know -- they'll ask for it to be done on spec.
• Q. What does "on spec" mean, again?
  A. Shut up.
• Q. Okay. Where did you go this weekend?
  A. I went to my parents-in-laws' place for Thanksgiving. It's sort of near Owen Sound, Ontario.
• Q. Thanksgiving is in November, dumbass.
  A. Not in Canada, dumbass. Americans call it Columbus Day, even though all he actually did was kinda sail around for a while, saying things like "Hey, I bet that's Tokyo," and then took off again with some potatoes. Or something.
• Q. Potatoes? What the hell are you talking about?
  A. Not sure. Ask Dan Quayle.
• Q. Where does the expression "fruitless" come from? What does an absence of delicious juicy carbohydrates have to do with anything?
  A. "Fruitless" is a compound of two words, "fruit" and "less."
• Q. Thanks, but that wasn't much of an answer.
  A. Demanding much? Alright. "Fruit" comes from the Latin "frui," meaning "to enjoy." Thus, fruitless means "without enjoyment." Except it doesn't. It means "without success," as in MC Hammer's career.
• Q. I see. What's he doing now anyway?
  A. MC Hammer (real name: Michael Colin Hammer) was last seen struggling frantically to free himself from what everyone told him was far too big a pair of pants.
• Q. Surely the media would've tracked that story? Also, it wasn't very funny.
  A. Sure, it's easy to criticize. You tell a joke, then. Go on.
• Q. Okay. Let's see. Did you hear the one about when the priest, the rapist and the pedophile walked into the bar?
  A. ...and that was just the first guy. Yeah, a priest told it at Denis Leary's roast at the Friar's Club. Way to come up with your own material, schmuck. See? Not so easy, is it?
• Q. I suppose not. So how long are you going to be away for?
  A. Right now it looks like from the 28th to the 11th or 12th.
• Q. That's a long time.
  A. Not really. I'm doing five or six stories in that time, so it's not all that long if you think about it.
• Q. True. Is this just a vacation, then?
  A. Absolutely not! I resent the suggestion. It'll be very hard work, and a lot of travel. Travel is tiring.
• Q. If you say so, buddy. Are you going to be "moblogging" as you travel around?
  A. I plan on it. How often I update will depend on how often I find "wireless hotspots," where I can sit and drink coffee and blog.
• Q. Sounds suspiciously like a vacation to me.
  A. I refuse to answer any more questions.
• Q. Oh, just one more. Go on. You'll like it.
  A. Okay okay. One.
• Q. Why is it that you had pizza and Pepsi for supper tonight when you're supposed to be on a low-carb diet, you fat bastard?
  A. Get out.
• Q. Righto.
  A. The nerve of some people.