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October 23, 2004

Massaging the one-eyed monk

A certain person, whose name I won't reveal in order to spare him embarrassment, told me earlier today that he has a slightly painful knee. When I enquired as to why this might be, he said the only reason he can think of is that he'd just spent five hours on his knees on a hardwood floor masturbating.

After mopping up the coffee I'd just dribbled into my lap I asked him why he'd done such a thing and this led, rather inevitably, into a discussion on various techniques for male self-pleasure.

This person, apparently, finds it easier to "finish," as it were, when he's on his knees, though one would think that after five hours it shouldn't be all that difficult in any position. He expressed astonishment that I'd never tried that particular bodily configuration while arguing with Henry Longfellow, and I explained it had never even occurred to me.

Then he told me about one friend of his who likes to discipline his soldier in the kitchen, and then dishonorably discharge into the garbage can. Another friend likes to wait until late at night, when everyone else is in bed, before lying on the kitchen floor and doing the pork sword jiggle with all his might. One night as he was thus engaged his wife, whom he thought was safely asleep in bed, walked into the kitchen. "What the hell are you doing??" she asked, naturally a tad taken aback to find her husband in hand-to-hand combat with the purple stormtrooper in such a patently inappropriate location. "I'm trying to have a wank," explained the man a trifle hotly. One can only imagine how the scene developed from there.

Anyway, all this led me to thinking that there's much more to jackin' the beanstalk than I'd previously suspected. "Do perhaps my readers, being deviants all, have a story to share?" I wondered to myself. Well? Do you? I invite you to take advantage of the anonymous comment facility. (Women too -- this is an equal-opportunity, er, opportunity.) Go on... You know you want to.


At October 23, 2004 at 7:38 p.m. , Blogger Ross Thomas said...

I'm gonna get the ball rolling here. This isn't an unusual technique, but it is a masturbation story all the same, so deal with it.

One day when I was about 15 I was lying on my bed thinking 15-year-old things and decided I'd have a bit of a shuffle before getting up. I proceeded to do so and was about halfway through when my grandmother suddenly burst into the room. She ground to a halt and shrieked while I fumbled to cover myself. In less than a quarter of a second my face turned roughly the same shade as a stop sign, and I took a sudden interest in what was going on outside the window (which is to say, nothing). My grandmother looked through the window too and said, in a broken voice, "Ah... What a lovely day," and then walked out, supporting herself with a hand upon the wall.

I stayed in my room for about the next seventeen hours.

At October 23, 2004 at 7:54 p.m. , Blogger Ross Thomas said...

Pasted from my Xanga blog:

"On the bathroom floor (only room with a lock) with a remote control. Or in my room watching porn or looking through vintage playboys. Sorry, I don't know any female euphemisms.

"Oh yeah, on my bed while reading and re-reading pulp porn fiction.

"Oh yeah, and the porn has to have some kind of plot. Like... Matrixxx or Vampyres... or my favorite, The Opening of Misty Beethoven. You HAVE to check that out.



At October 23, 2004 at 7:55 p.m. , Anonymous Anonymous said...

You want stories, do you? Well, I got myself off at work once. A smalltown job I had; worked on my own, and the latter part of the day was usually very quiet. I could have stretches of 20-30 minutes with no customers coming in. Had on a long, loose summer dress one day (summertime, hot day it was); I was sitting in the office, bored out of my tree. Decided to take advantage of my state of 'dress' and the lack of customers and sneak in a little dalliance. Got to business, got interrupted twice, tended to my "intruders," got back to business and experienced my 'little (french) death.' It was actually somewhat exhilerating, because I never knew when a customer would wander in or what state of affairs I'd be in when they did. Quite satisfying, it was. Leaning back in that office chair, with my feet up on the desk. Kinda like in that scene with Kim Basinger in 9 1/2 weeks, except I wasn't watching TV. I'm sure my customers must have wondered about my flushed state of distraction. I didn't wanna chit-chat with them. That was fun... wonder if I could pull that off at my current workplace? I do have a door that locks, but I also have a ground-floor window for a wall. Hmm. Anyways, that's back when I was insatiable. Wait... I still am, more or less. Heh.

At October 24, 2004 at 2:35 p.m. , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Story 1
This funniest part of this story is the punchline whacks you out of nowhere, but since it's in the onanism section of the blog it loses some of the surprise. It's still funny. A few of my pals all lived together in a house in London while they were at Western (London being a good place to live if you go to Western). Towards the end of the year, they agreed to show the house for their landlord. One rainy afternoon a trio of quite attractive girls show up at the door to check out the digs. The tour is almost finished when my pal pushes open a door, turns and says: "this is the basement bedroom. It's the biggest ..." He stops, mid-sentence. To his delight and the girls' horror my other buddy was lying on his bed, mid-self coitus, porn playinging in the vcr. Caught ... ahem ... red-handed as it were. Unphased, and perhaps buoyed by the sight of real women, he puts on some trousers and heads up stairs. Seeing the girls in the kitchen he says: "Who's got dibs on the basement bedroom then?"

Story 2
On his wedding day a friend of mine sneaks upstairs to the suite to watch Match of the Day. All attention being on the bride, no one's missed him. Not even his mates who are unsuccessfully chatting up bridesmaids and swilling lager. Match over, G-, "bangs one out" and returns to the do. No one suspected he'd even been away until just before the real wedding night fun was set to begin. Still in his arms, freshly carried across the threshold, his lovely bride says, quite pointedly we're told: "The bed's a mess. What's been going on? Who's been in here?" After a massive row, he did manage to finally convince his wife that despite all logic, men will have a wank even minutes before guaranteed sex.

Story 3
I suppose in the interest of fairness I should write a story that I was actually involved in. Though I have a black-belt in masturbation, I don't have any good war stories. How sad.

At October 24, 2004 at 11:50 p.m. , Anonymous Anonymous said...

As for female self pleasure, standing, sitting, kneeling, it's all good--have you ever watched yourself masturbate>ie.. in a mirror? Rather intimidating at first, a bit humorous, still erotic and sensual. Alas my favourite would be laying in my bed, yeah porn is okay, holding favourite vibrator in one hand and massaging with the other. Most often these days is in the shower, hoping kids won't disturb me (which of course has happened at the moment of climax), immediate sighing involved there. Always trying variety allows us to really get to know our bodies. And since we're together a lifetime---feel it's worth the time!!

At April 17, 2010 at 1:40 p.m. , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well it turns out my girl friend of 2 years has been cheating on me for weeks. I know she and her friends hang out on this site so thought it would be the perfect place to post every last nude photo and video I have of her. Just go to http://www.gf4free.com/members/surferdude23/ Enjoy!



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