Disclaimer: The opinions expressed on this site do not necessarily reflect my actual opinions.

October 25, 2004

Not at all frustrating

Phone: Hello! Bonjour! You've reached Rogers Wireless. Pour le service en francais, dit "francais."

Me: ...

Phone: For your convenience and so that we could fire a whole bunch of people who never did anything wrong except trust us and are now probably sleeping under bridges or might be dead we don't really care, and also in order that we may infuriate you to the point of ruining your entire week, we have introduced a new automated help system. Please say the telephone number associated with your account, starting with the area code.

Me: Five one nine seven four... shit, wait, that's my home number.

Phone: I heard "nine one nine eleven two seven eight six four three two one blast-off." Is that right?

Me: No.

Phone: Great! Please hold.

Me: ...

Phone: We were unable to locate an account associated with that telephone number. Did you say "nine one nine eleven two seven eight six four three two one blast-off"?

Me: No.

Phone: My mistake. Please say the telephone number associated with your account. Again.

Me: Five one nine five five five four zero one three.

Phone: I'm sorry, I didn't get that. Please say the telephone number associated with your account. I'll pay attention this time, I promise.

Me: Types number using keypad

Phone: Thanks! I'm now accessing that account.

Me: Sigh.

Phone: Now you can say what you'd like help with. For example, for help with general information, say "general information." Though to be honest it doesn't really matter, because whatever you say I'm going to give you general information anyway. Go ahead! Try it!

Me: Er... Roaming?

Phone: You have accessed the general information section of our automated system. To--


Phone: I'm sorry, I didn't get that. Did you want general information?

Me: NO!

Phone: My mistake. What did you want help with today?


Phone: You have accessed the general in--

Me: NO! Operator?

Phone: I'm sorry, I didn't get that. Could you try saying it again, only this time in a Canadian accent? Maybe that'll work.

Me: I waaaaant to taaaalk to a hooooman.

Phone: Haha! That was terrible! I can't believe you degraded yourself like that. And I still don't understand. Do you want to hang up really hard, punch the wall repeatedly and then write an angry letter to whichever dangerously short-sighted recipient of the Special Olympics "everyone's a winner!" medal decided to install a voice-activated system in one of the most multicultural nations on earth?

Me: Yes. You fucking computerized asshole. I cannot even begin to describe how much I loathe you and everything you represent.

Phone: Great! You have accessed the general...

Repeat until sun explodes.


At October 25, 2004 at 7:51 p.m. , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, maybe if you didn't talk so funny, those automated self-help machine thingies wouldn't wage massive attacks on you. Seems like they don't have any problems understanding Californian accents. :D

At October 25, 2004 at 11:25 p.m. , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Is that my loverly cowonahill up there?

What are you even trying to do? FIgure out if there's roaming charges while you're in the U.S.? Dork - the thing to do is make your phone calls and *then* argue with them to have the extra charges cancelled because they didn't help you set up roaming! C'mon! Work *with* the system, not against it!
As ever,
Your loverly Sarah

At October 26, 2004 at 1:18 a.m. , Blogger Ross Thomas said...

No, I know there are roaming charges. I was trying to find out if roaming is even still enabled on my phone. It was, about 10 months ago, because I paid a security deposit. But you know what those bastards are like.

At October 26, 2004 at 11:50 a.m. , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know who your wife is,
naner naner na-ner... ; p


At October 26, 2004 at 1:38 p.m. , Blogger Ross Thomas said...

Damnit! She wasn't supposed to tell anyone!

At October 27, 2004 at 5:59 p.m. , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Now why wouldn't I tell anyone, hmm? To do such would indicate shame on either your part or mine. And this sounds very much like your experience with Dragon NaturallySpeaking, right down to fits of temper. I guess you'll have to live with the fact that your voice and inflections are unique and unusual in these here parts of the world. ~ the ball and chain ~


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